Things that go through one’s mind this time of year in no particular order........
It’s that time of year when we all feel the eternal tug over who we'll spend Christmas with. Your parents or your in-laws? Your divorced father or your mother? What if your kids decide to go to see your ex-husband and his new trophy wife, proving once and for all that they've abandoned you? Do you take the new boyfriend to the family gathering? Or, and this is true for a growing number of people, what if you have no one you really want to spend Christmas with?
I only mention this because, if you believe the Cool Aid drinking cults, on Friday we will all be dead. The Mayan apocalypse is almost upon us and according to them, a rogue planet is on course to smash Earth to smithereens wiping out the human race in one violent hit. So don't stress it. Just pull the cork on the good stuff and enjoy your last days of existence.
Oh and about Baileys, just because it’s Christmas does not make it all right to drink a mixture of whiskey and cream, does it!
Another Christmas fact, all Mums are insane throughout Christmas. There’s little you can do. Just steer clear and avoid the argy-bargy in the kitchen and just peel the bloody potatoes. Keep smiling, ply her with drink and pour yourself another glass of wine in the kitchen and just stay there. You send the kids into Granny’s bedroom to shout“Merry Christmas” only to discover she isn’t there… you had forgotten to pick her up the previous evening. Bollocks...
Ladies, men are rubbish at shopping. If you can, find a way to deal with this by Christmas Eve, the unmentionable underwear you unwrap in front of your parents and Grandma on Christmas morning won’t be quite so upsetting.For all you dopey blokes out there, women do not want any of the following as gifts: WD40, an outboard engine, petrol for the car, a fitness DVD, an electric toothbrush, any book with a title such as 1,000 Recipes For The Freezer, kitchen or cleaning appliances or anything from the Pyrex range. Just saying, one day it will bite you. Ladies, look upon terrible man-gifts as an opportunity to go shopping for what you actually want and don’t let this form the basis for a bad day with your partner. It’s also OK to buy the cheap boxes of biscuits for visiting relatives. We know, random thought.
At the family gathering Uncle Max will probably get drunk and insulting and might, well, get creepy or Grandma will be annoying, but it’s going to be a whole 364 days until you’re forced to see them again. So smile sweetly while removing Uncle Max’s hand from your bum, resist cheerily saying ‘You’re still alive then?’ to Grandma and simply pour yourself another glass of wine in the kitchen then hide there - until they leave.
A good ruse is to be the one who befriends the aged relative. When in doubt, sit on the sofa and nod as you sip your wine.
If you have done nothing yet about Christmas and are in denial, have a magnum of (insert wine of choice). You’ll be amazed by how little you care.
Here’s to surviving the Apocalypse, and, well, Christmas too.
Kiwi & Koala
PS. sorry for the disjointed diatribe but we have been planning the 2nd annual Kiwi and Koala luncheon. Stressful stuff.... and yes we have been drinking!
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